Sunday, April 1, 2012

Oh, Phoque

Ever wonder what it's like taking a bilingual child to visit the French ophtalmologue

A phoqu'ing r-eye-ot.

It's also a lesson in bilingual ABCs and the f-bomb.

Here's what went down when Big Fry went to see the ophthalmogogist, Docteur Oeil.

Docteur Oeil: So you do speek Eengleesh?

Big Fry: Yes.

Docteur O: So do eye. You weel seet 'eere forrr ze reeding ze letters in ze frrront of you eyes. Zees one.

Big Fry: Uh, pardon?

La Mom (smiling, Big Fry clearly doesn't understand her English): Tell the doctor the letters that you see on the screen.

Big Fry (pronounces each letter in English): 

Docteur O: Baaa, baaa. There seems to be a very slight problem. He didn't see a few of the letters correctly, je pense qu'il a besoin des lunettes juste pour la lecture. 

La Mom: Ah, bon? But he got all of the letters right.

Docteur O: Mais non.

And then it clicked. Docteur Oeil prescribed glasses for Big Fry because he read the letters out loud in English. His English E sounded like a French I and his English G and J were pronounced the opposite way to Docteur Oeil's French ear.

La Mom: Can you give him another chance? He was telling you the letters in English instead of French. 

Doctuer O: Here, try a picture. La voilà.


Big Fry (E
xaggerates the pronunciation of the French word) : C'est une fuk. 

Docteur O & La Mom: Non, c'est pas une "fuk", c'est une 

Big Fry: Fuk 

La Mom: Big Fry!

Docteur O: Phoque. 

Like La Mom said, this visit was a r-eye-ot. F-bombs and all. I think the nanny's been letting Big Fry watch American TV on the Slingbox unsupervised. Where else could he have heard that word? Certainly not from moi. 
Un grand merci to everyone who entered the Murder At The Lanterne Rouge book giveaway by commenting and liking La Mom's Facebook page. And the winner is... Shauna W. Please send La Mom an email with your mailing address. Felicitations!  

If you're wondering how La Mom chose la gagnante, well, she employed a very simple formula: 
1 Big Fry + 1 "Am stram gram, pic et pic et colégram, Bour et bour et ratatam, Am stram gram, Pic !" = the winner.


Shauna said...

Me? Did I win?
I emailed you :)
Thanks so much!

This is a funny story!!

Paris Atelier said...

I am laughing out loud at this story! So hilarious. I love it! Hope all is well!!!

Susan Lindquist said...

Oh God! Out of the mouths of babes, baby! Thank you for my daily belly laugh!

Nicole Desselle said...

That's okay. I was a biligual English and French child and I got confused somewhere because my mom says one day I told her, "Look at the big fuk" when I really meant to say look at the big truck! Good thing my grandmother didn't speak English and didn't get it. LOL.

Fatboytim said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Fatboytim said...

Ah I look forward to this when we move in a couple of weeks. The little one is 18 months though so she, at least, should learn from scratch. It hasn't stopped my wife from telling the mayor that she is aroused to be moving to the village though. It'll be a while before she lives that one down.

Cara Black said...

I love this!

Cara Black said...

I love this!

Kiki said...

La Mom, haven't got much free time but THIS I so enjoyed - know all about it am battling myself (but in French, English, German just to add a little bit extra - sometimes I can't remember my own name, in any language!)
SO TRUE... my Hero Husband (HH), French spoken Swiss and I (Swiss German mother tongue) have this kind of conversation on a regular basis... :)

Jadzia@Toddlerisms said...

That is totally going to happen to us if I ever figure out where to get the kids' eyes checked. At this point I can only describe their native tongue as "Franglish."

Robin said...

The first real laugh I've had all day. Merci Beaucoup

ParisBreakfasts said...

Lurve this post!!
Excellent translation of French 'Anglais'

Paris Insider said...

I remember the phoque-word from grade 8 French class. You can imagine the field day the kids had with this one. Thanks for reminding me!

La Mom-an American Mom in Paris said...

Thank you everyone for your fun comments on the phoque-word. YOU GET IT!

Why don't you own your comment instead of hiding behind "Anonymous" ? We know you will be scanning the comments box to see if we published your comment just like we know you read the blog quite frequently since you mention that each post gets worse. If you feel that way, why do you come back for more?

We have our suspicions as to who you are - the know-it-all helicopter mom who stuffs herself with chocolate eclairs which results in her having to wear mens clothes and shoes. C'est toi?

You are certainly not from California, because Californians do not refer to themselves the way you refer to La Mom. And if you are outside of our social circle, let us explain to you --> we have nannies because WE WORK. We do not sit at home all day and employ nannies for fun to go shopping and lunching. "Nanny" is a direct translation from the French word Nounou. Maybe we should call it a babysitter if the word nanny is too posh for you? You sound extremely jealous and vindictive. Get a grip. Get a life.

vicki archer said...

Loved, loved this! xv

Beadboard UpCountry said...

Hysterical as usual.....I'm with big Fry let him say Zee Letters any way he wants to!!!!!! Never had occasion to say Seal in French, Interesting..... xo Maryanne Happy Easter!

Chauffeur Paris said...

Merci la Mom for this hilarious post...comme toujours;)

Isabella said...

This post is hilarious! I had a similar experience with my own bilingual kid but, thanks God, that precise day he decided to show me how good he was with his French language, so he got all the letters right. Despite this accomplishment, the doctor decided to prescribe him "lunettes", which of course he doesn't use.


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