Saturday, December 3, 2011

Ho Ho No

Charlie Brown Christmas tree

So La Mom finally did it. After exactly 10 Noëls together, I convinced Big Cheese to buy a ridiculously expensive faux Christmas tree.

Pourquoi, you may ask? 

Well, Parisian Christmas trees are puny. I mean, really underdeveloped. But like a lot of things in this city, vastly overpriced. Somehow I just wanted a big, perfectly symmetrical tree that wouldn’t sag when Big Fry put the gold glass Galeries Lafayette pointy topper that all French trees seem to have on it.

Seems like a lot of other Americans are thinking like La Mom.

The Scene: Expensive Parisian garden store

The Players: La Mom, Big Cheese, and Random American Guy

The Convo:

Random American Guy: Hey, are you guys American?
(Big Cheese shoots a withering glance at La Mom)

La Mom: Yeah…

RAG: Great! Is this the best place to buy a tree? I mean, these things are pretty small. My wife loves Christmas and she would kill me if I bring home a Charlie Brown tree. 
(Addressing Big Cheese) You know Charlie Brown?
(The withering glances are flying all over the place, but this doesn’t stop RAG)

La Mom: Well, you might want to wait until a few weekends from now when there will be a better selection. Or go faux. (Gesturing to boxed Tree of Perfection)

I will not bore you, dear readers, with the rest of the conversation. RAG clearly needed to talk. Here’s a synopsis:
  • He’s a trailing spouse (“Yeah, I’m doin’ the Mr. La Mom thing…”)
  • They exchanged a 1300 square foot apartment in the 16th for four-bedroom 2000 square foot digs in the 17th for his one-kid family “because they were used to space” (insert withering glance here)
  • He and his wife had timeshares at Disneyland Paris “because they blow real snow on Main Street every day in December!” (Big Cheese’s glances were not shutting RAG up so he abandoned me to inspect the orchid display)
  • Barrage of questions: Where did I get Thanksgiving turkeys? Did you know you could get Netflix over here? Where did I get eggnog?
Hold on. 

La Mom broke out of the nod-and-smile routine for a millisecond.

La Mom: Why don’t you go on epicurious.com for an eggnog recipe? I make most of my American stuff from scratch. It’s really easy.

RAG: But it wouldn’t be the same.

And then I got it. Random American Guy would rather drink a merdique pasteurized eggnog straight out of the carton. Because otherwise, it wouldn’t be the same.

Huh. Looking at the boxed Tree of Perfection, I thought RAG might have a point.

A Charlie Brown tree delivery at the flower market

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