Monday, June 20, 2011

Francofonus Vacancierus

Photo: Destination 360
Those wily American hunters (and you know who you are) who haven’t booked tickets to Paris might be disappointed that they won’t be stalking the Parisii Putaindemerdus species this summer.

But never fear, my intrepid social scientists, here’s the all-you-need-to-know guide for spotting a Frenchie out of its natural habitat.

Otherwise known as the Francofonus Vacancierus, this species may migrate to North America or other English-speaking habitats in July or August.

How to spot the Francofonus Vacancierus:

Its mahogany tan
Many examples of the Francofonus Vacancierus species exhibit a pale cast to their hides, especially those found in the Paris region, which lacks sun in the winter months.*

However, when out of its natural habitat, this UV-seeking animal tends to turn a deep shade of brown, even between bodily folds. Scientists attribute this to a general disregard of sunscreen and a “competitive tanning” culture.
Practical tip: If you see a thin, deeply tanned woman with perfect coverage between her toes, she may be a Francofonus Vacancierus.
*A subspecies of the Francofonus Vacancierus, the Francofonus Alpinus, can be found sporting a mahogany tan in midwinter due to frequent ski trips.

Staking out its territory
The Francofonus Vacancierus displays a general disregard for rules and regulations in its home terrain. This tendency may become exaggerated during its migratory patterns. Burrowing habits become increasingly prominent, even when signs are posted saying “Do not use towels to reserve beach chairs”.

Practical tip: If you see extremely tanned children and adults draping towels all over prime pool lounge chairs at 10:00 PM so they're ready to go the next day, you may have spotted an entire Francofonus Vacancierus colony.

Rosy plumage
The male of the species, while considering itself “Latin”, and in some cases “macho”, has no problem wearing pink plumage.

Practical tip: If you see an extremely tanned man sporting a pink Nodus button-down shirt with rolled up sleeves, BINGO! You have yourself a typical example of the male Francofonus Vacancierus.

Note: Another subspecies of the Francofonus Vacancierus remains in France during the migratory months. These animals are referred to as the Francofonus Timewarpus, due to their painter’s caps, holey bleached jeans, and rat tail hairdos. They tend to congregate in the Var region of southern France.**
**Swear on my belle-mère-in-law’s grave. La Mom has seen the bizarre painter’s-cap-and-rat-tail revival first-hand in Provence several times. So much for the myth that all French people are born chic and classy.
They all had great tans, though. 

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