Tuesday, April 6, 2010

French Lessons

Easter. Another family gathering, another chance for La Mom to inadvertently offend the Fromage family.

Case (or three) in point:

1/ La Mom asks her father-in-law for some wine as the family looks at her aghast:

Madame Fromage: I can't give you any more wine until you finish the water that’s in your wine glass.

La Mom: Oh sorry, I didn’t realize I had some left over in there.

(Madame Fromage takes the wine glass and dumps the water in the plant on the table behind her.)

Big Cheese: (whispering to La Mom) I’ve told you a hundred times to make sure you’re done with your water before you ask for du vin. Diluting wine with water is like trying to faire l'amour with a zizi mou. What’s the point?

French lesson of the day: Stick to wine at meal time and drink water at breakfast.

2/ Sister-in-law Fromage asks La Mom to get the cheese platter. La Mom goes to the kitchen to prepare it just as the French Fries come running in to distract her. La Mom walks back out into a merde storm:

SIL Fromage: La Mom, you’ve been in France long enough to know how to present cheese.

La Mom: Pardon?

SIL Fromage: How about unwrapping the cheese before you put it on the platter and serving it to everyone?

Big Cheese (not whispering): It’s all about tempting the senses, La Mom. Before a man goes to bed with a femme, he wants to be teased a bit. His eyes must feast on the meal he’s about to consume. It’s the same thing with cheese. We want to be teased by the texture, color, and shape of all the different cheeses on the platter before we take a bite.

Madame Fromage: Well said, my son!

French lesson of the day: Leave it to the French (and Big Cheese) to equate eating cheese with having sex.

3/ There’s foie gras on the table. La Mom takes some and tries to score points with belle-mère by going on and on about how délicieuse it is.

La Mom: Madame Fromage, this foie gras is the best you’ve ever made.

Madame Fromage: Merci.

La Mom: No, really, it’s amazing how it melts in my mouth. What’s the difference from the one you made at Christmas?

Madame Fromage: It's from Carrefour. I couldn’t be bothered this Easter making foie gras for twenty people, so I got it at the supermarket.

SIL Fromage: Don’t take it personally, Maman, she’s Amercian. Of course she can’t tell the difference between your foie gras and supermarket foie gras.

Big Cheese: Ouch.

French lesson of the day: Don’t try kissing up to your French mother-in-law unless your French and can tell the difference between supermarket and homemade foie gras.

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