Friday, February 19, 2010

The Ultimate Fashion Accessory

You just slip out the back,
Jacques
Make a new plan,
Stanislas
You don’t need to be coy,
LeRoy
Just listen to me
Hop on the bus,
Gustave
Don’t need to discuss much
Just drop off the key,
Louis
And get yourself free…

Lyrics by Paul Simon and La Mom


Jacques had a problem. Make that a gros problème. Married life was nothing like it was cracked up to be. The only solution? Le divorce.

Hang on, let me back up a bit. Jacques is one of Big Cheese’s childhood friends. They’d been through thick and thin when it came to women – Les One-Night-Stands, Les Girlfriends, and Les Fiancées (all plural – extremely plural – for Jacques).

Let’s just say that only one of us made it to La Mom.

Here’s what transpired over the France vs. Ireland rugby match while La Mom was hovering – cough, cleaning up – in the kitchen:

Jacques (sipping beer): Thursday was very difficile. I went to the lawyer’s office to sign the divorce papers and saw Victoire for the first time since we separated in May.

Big Cheese: Does she know you were cheating on her since before you were married?

Jacques: Non, non. Of course not. But she is a real salope.

La Mom to self: Them’s fightin' words!

Big Cheese: What did she do?

Jacques:
She was très belle, très soignée. She wore the Chanel watch I offered her for her thirtieth anniversaire. And the Louis Vuitton bag from Christmas last year.

Big Cheese:
She is trying to send you a message, non?

Jacques:
Baaaa oui. And she did it with her six-months pregnant belly!

Big Cheese (sucking in breath): Merde.

La Mom to self:
Game to Victoire! And the crowd goes wild!!!

Lesson learned: Never underestimate a Frenchwoman’s power to break out the perfect accessory for every occasion.

16 comments:

Kiki said...

congrats, Victoire! great post. take care.

Mlle Paradis said...

L'amour, c'est la guerre!

vicki archer said...

Nothing like a woman scorned...xv

Sara Louise said...

Fantastique!

Beadboard UpCountry said...

OooooooH. I'd be for looking the end of this little tale.....Maryanne:)

StyleSpy said...

Beautiful. Well played, Victoire. My hat is off to you.

La Mom said...

@Beadboard UpCountry,

Turns out Victoire had someone on the side since she and Jacques got married. I've got to figure out how to say "What's good for the gander is good for the goose" in French.

As far as I know, Victoire, L'Homme de Sa Vie, and Bébé are going to live happily ever after...but stay tuned for more in the saga!

La Mom

Chani said...

Hi there, I'm glad I've found your blog! So you are living in Paris too??
Love, Chani

Elisa @ Globetrotting in Heels said...

I'm sorry for Jacques, but I'm going to cheer for Victoire here ;-)

Madame T. said...

Bien joue, Victoire. :)

Karin (an alien parisienne) said...

Heh heh heh heh!!

That's classic! Sounds she not only won the game, but the set and match, too. Looking forward to the rest of the story in the future.

Paige Orloff said...

That's hysterical. I am also a former LA mom, though I traded in Hollywood for a horse farm in the Hudson Valley--your escape is ever so slightly more glamorous, I think. I am wondering if you have any suggestions for me for a vexing problem I face. I am coming to Paris 3/11-3/15, and need to find a place to have my hair blown out that weekend...I am staying in the 6th. Any suggestions to save me from humid curly head? I've found reco's a plenty for just about everything else, but not for le blow dry. (And how DO you say it, anyway? My french is sooo rusty.) Many thanks if you can help, and if not, I am so glad to have found your site (and, got it on Google b/c of your hilarious hairdresser cheating story, which I totally related to; went through something similar in Beverly Hills, a few years ago!!)

Nathalie said...

morte de rire!

Nathalie said...

"L'un vaut l'autre" could be an appropriate saying here although it isn't the exact equivalent to you gander/goose one.

I'll side in with Victoire too, three cheers to her!

Nathalie said...

PS - discovered your blog through A taste of garlic, and so glad I did!

La Mom said...

@Paige,
Have fun visiting Paris and thanks for checking out the blog!
If you are looking for an inexpensive blowout, pop into a salon de coiffure called TCHIP. You don't need a reservation and there are tons of these salons all over Paris. It's the bourgeois
16th arrondissement Parisienne's secret to looking polished for less. A nicer address is Marianne Grey on the Rue Saint André des Arts in the 6th. Blowout = Un Brushing.

 

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