Thursday, June 18, 2009

International Pickup Lines

I love summer in Paris, especially when I can spend an afternoon at a sidewalk café sipping Perrier with a twist of lemon, reading Le Monde, and people watching.

What I love even more is when a handsome Frenchman flirts with moi.

As I was on the receiving end of the best pickup line I've ever heard today, it made me think about the "best of" international pickup lines I've received while living in Paris. Allow me to share them with you:

The sweetest (from Marco the Italian):
Your eyes glitter like the Eiffel Tower.

The most confusing (from Reinhard the German):
You look warm like central heating. (Did he mean I was a hottie?)

The nastiest (from an American tourist):
I bet you got some nice pussy cat going on down there!

A bit obnoxious (from Javier the Spaniard):
Would you like to learn a foreign tongue? I can teach you with mine.

Even more obnoxious (from Big Cheese years ago):
So you are a little bit French? Would you like to have some more French in you?

And the best pickup line goes to....a Frenchman of course. How much more French can you get than what the fish vendor at my local farmer's market whispered as I walked by:

You bring the bread, I'll bring the wine, we'll have a picnic together?

So what are the best pickup lines you've ever heard or said?

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Who Cut The Fromage?

Leave it to the French to "cut the cheese" using their most recognized landmark - the Eiffel Tower. I saw these cheese graters at the Galeries Lafayette over the weekend. I think they'd make fun gifts for my friends back home. Does anybody want La Mom to send you one?

Dear Bloggy Friends,

La Mom would like to thank those who take the time out of their busy schedules to read my blog, comment, and send me emails (I wish I could do the same for you all, but Big Cheese is un petit peu annoyed that my evenings are spent blogging and not with him.)

A big merci to one reader, Mike D., who requested more Paris pictures on the blog. La Mom agrees that pictures of beautiful Paris are always a good thing. I'm sure you agree that a picture of moi, the French Fries, my apartment, my neighborhood, or my friends is a bad thing. Why? Because it'll give away who I am and once my cover is blown who's gonna give you the Paris dish?

So, more Paris pictures to come! Any other requests out there?

Kisses on both cheeks,
La Mom

Monday, June 15, 2009

Poor Little Rich Girl

I think I’ve found a silver lining to the economic crisis. Hang on – make that lining platinum. There are so many going-away parties that La Mom is getting personal guided tours of Paris’ premium real estate.

I’m slightly jaded after the parade of custom-made Smeg kitchens with built-in Nespresso bars, but every once in a while there’s a bijou de famille that takes my breath away.

Sidebar: If you’re ever considering ditching a party in favor of curling up on your sofa with a glass of champagne and some Bugles, always check the address first. An OTT hostess gift is well worth the price of admission to check out the Lifestyles of the Bitch and Famous on Avenue Foch.

Take last Saturday night’s hangout, for example.

Even though the guest of honor was a woman who I could frankly take or leave in terms of playdate material, I had to go to her bon voyage bash just to get a glimpse of the hôtel particulier that my friend Chicago Mom has been raving about.

This swanky soirée was hosted by the American wife of a high-powered advertising exec. Rumor has it that he runs the French subsidiary of a well-known global agency with an iron fist. Well, whatever Jérôme is doing is clearly bringing home the lardon, as I found out from my hostess.

Poor Little Rich Girl: Well, you’ve seen the rooftop garden, so let’s go down to the kids’ suites.

La Mom: (Swigging champagne) Sure. Did she say suites?

PLRG: I just find that Philémon and Sixtine really need their separate spaces.

Sidebar: Philémon is 5 going on 45 (or at least you’d think so with the way she dresses him as a mini replica of his dad), and Sixtine is the ripe old age of 3 – clearly the perfect time for your own private powder room.

PLRG: And here’s the master bedroom.

La Mom: Wow! Jesus, this place is bigger than my living room!

The real centerpiece is the bathroom. I had the stained glass skylight custom-made. We flew the marble in from Italy for the Jacuzzi. You know, I actually don’t like going to hotels any more because they’re never as nice as my house.

La Mom: (Strangling noise)

PLRG: Are you OK?

La Mom: Fine – just about choked on my canapé.

Can’t hack the 5-star resorts because they don’t have heated bidets? C’est la cerise sûr le gâteau.

Say it with me, people: Awwwwww. Ma pauvre petite chérie.

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