Friday, March 20, 2009

Stroller Candy

Pierre is the most popular little boy at the Parc Monceau.

All of his toddler pals want to play with him - just to be near her.

Their dads have suddenly taken up jogging at 4:30 in the afternoon - just to catch a glimpse of her at the sandbox after school is out.

And the DEMs (Desperate Expat Moms) are secretly taking fashion cues from her.

Who is she????

She's Pierre's STROLLER CANDY. As in, "Mommy is Daddy's arm candy, Nanny is my stroller candy."

Yep, Pierre has a new nanny and she is young, glossy, and gorgeous. The Dads stare at her as if she were a real piece of candy they'd like to eat.

And that's just the problem.

When the DEMs are hanging out at the sandbox, the Dads don't look at them with hunger in their eyes. And that makes the DEMs j-e-a-l-o-u-s. Only Seattle Mom had the guts to tell it like it is the other day:

Ohio Mom: Look at Stroller Candy play with Pierre. She sure is perky today. Why does she have to run around sticking out her chest like that?

Seattle Mom: Can't you just be nice for a minute?

Ohio Mom: Only a minute and not a second longer.

Seattle Mom: (In a joking, but slightly serious tone) You're just jealous. You hate the fact that you used to look like Stroller Candy and now you look like the women we all made fun of a decade ago when we were single. You're tired, frazzled, your shirt is dirty from your kids hanging on you, and you probably have mismatched bra & panties on to boot.

Montreal Mom: Ha! I bet we all have mismatched underwear on. Who has time to coordinate with kids? I'm too tired to care.

Seattle Mom: Stroller Candy does. That's why Ohio Mom's jealous. She's probably got the latest La Perla on under her clothes.

Ohio Mom: It's probably H&M.

Seattle Mom: Who cares what brand it is? She still looks better than we do.

What La Mom wants to know is - who's the mommy who hired Stroller Candy? Doesn't she remember Jude Law mixing it up with his nanny?

Some of the DEMs in my playgroup make it a habit to hire nannies who fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down. It's not a bad policy to have when you live in Paris, especially if you have a French husband, don't you agree?

~By the way, merci Mommy In Pink
for giving me permission to use her blog picture!

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Recessionista Hair Removal

How do you remove body hair in a recession?

If you live in the French countryside, you don't (recession or not).

If you live in Paris, you have laser hair removal.

After signing up with Dr. Laser to begin my laser therapy, I had a brief bout of guilt à la, "There's a recession out there and the last thing I should be worried about is getting my minou manicured! Big Cheese will think I'm so Paris Passy 16th arrondissement."

I am. Et alors?

Then I came up with a way to show Big Cheese that in the long run, I'm actually saving money by getting the minou lasered. Just call me the Minou Recessionista!

So here's the pitch...

Let's assume that I don't have legs or armpits. My minou is the only thing that needs maintenance on a monthly basis. Oh, and I'm going to live for another 40 years (until I'm 75). My hair removal options are: Shave, Wax, or Laser.

~2 packs of Gillette M3 Power razors = 48€ / year x 40 years

#2: WAX
~15 "Epilation Intégrale" bikini waxes (@22€/each + tip 2€) = 360€/year x 40 years
= 14,400€

130€ / session x 6 sessions
= 780€

It's a no-brainer isn't it?

I know Big Cheese will forget the pocketbook pain once he sees the final masterpiece. In fact, the famous Impressionist painter Pierre-Auguste Renoir knew exactly what he was talking about when he said,

"The pain passes, but the beauty remains.”

Sunday, March 15, 2009

The Black Triangle

La Mom's been investigating her Mommy Maintenance options. Maintenance being the key word, because if I take the leap, I won't have to worry about maintaining any longer.

I'm talking about Black Triangle maintenance. Or rather, getting the minou line lasered so I'll never have to wax or shave again. Bliss!

Last week, I visited Dr. Laser to find out the timeframe for bikini hair removal, the cost, and what my hairstyle options are. Here's a snippet of our very confidential doctor/patient conversation:

Dr. Laser: I can safely say you're a candidate for laser hair removal.

La Mom: C'est super! I just hate showing up at Nikki Beach in St. Tropez with razor burn around the minou. I'm reduced to shaving on vacation. Do you know how hard it is to get a wax in St. Trop' in August?

Dr. Laser: I haven't had to worry about hair for the last 10 years.

La Mom: I'm sold! When can I start and what's on the minou menu? Can I get a Brazilian? Or a Metro Ticket?

(Sidebar: a "Metro Ticket" style looks like an actual metro ticket was shaved, waxed, or lasered vertically on your minou)

Dr. Laser: I suggest you go with a classic triangle. I just did one on my daughter, who's 20. There's nothing old fashioned about a classic T. It's timeless.

La Mom: Well I was really hoping for a Metro Ticket, but I see your point. I guess I don't want to be 75 and sporting a gray metro ticket along with a flabby belly and butt!

Then I burst out laughing at my (dumb)joke expecting Dr. Laser to laugh too.

She went pale. And stared at me. Speechless.

She was probably thinking, "Who the heck is this stupid American?" registered & protected

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