Monday, December 21, 2009

Jolly Old St. Nicolas Sarkozy

This "La Mom Classic" was originally posted on Dec. 11th, 2008

Christmas came early to La Mom’s house this year. We’ve been reading a frayed copy of ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas since sometime in July and I’ve been fielding Big Fry’s questions about Santa Claus ever since.

The other day, though, he floored me:

Big Fry: Mommy, I want St. Nicolas Sarkozy to bring me a jump rope for Christmas.

La Mom:
Saint who?

Big Fry: St. Nicolas Sarkozy – like in the Christmas book!

Luckily, St. Sarko generously subsidized my pelvic floor physical therapy sessions after the French Fries were born, or I would have wet myself laughing.

But this got me thinking: what would my Christmas letter to St. Sarko look like?

Dear St. Nicolas Sarkozy,

I’ve been a very good girl this year. I paid all of my taxes on time and I even learned three new irregular verbs! Here’s what I’d like for Noël:

A raise.

Yeah, yeah, I know I already get 650 € ($ 825) per month for staying home with 2 kids. But if I were paying a nanny, she’d be getting a whopping 1200 € ($ 1525) per month in take-home pay! The way I see it, the government owes me an extra 550 € every 30 days (not to mention back-pay). As much as I love my French Fries, trust me, staying home with young kids is definitely a full-time job.

Bigger parking spaces.

You know what sucks? Having to back all the way out of a sardine-sized parking space just to be able to squeeze your kid into his car seat. People start honking and making rude gestures, then you’re forced to bust out the emergency French cuss words that you don’t want your kids repeating. Not a pretty picture.

Stroller-friendly Métro stations.

Actually, I’d drive a lot less if I could just get a stroller through the stupid Métro turnstiles. Or get someone to help me carry a MacLaren down the stairs without resorting to begging or bribery. (How much you wanna bet that Frenchmen would respond to flashing? But I’m not that desperate. Yet.)

Sunday store openings.

It’s nice that Sunday is still a day of rest in France. But La Mom never stops going! There’s no way I can get things crossed off my to-do list in six days and pretty much everything is closed on Sunday. Or, if by some miracle a store is open on Sunday morning, it’ll definitely be closed on Monday and Tuesday to make up for it. How about you boost the economy by letting me squeeze some grocery shopping in at the end of the weekend? It’s a win-win situation!

A private serenade by Carla Bruni.

How did you guess this one came from Big Cheese? Actually, his word-for-word request also mentioned a certain high-end brand of lingerie. Anyway, don’t bother with this one – I guarantee that Big Cheese was nowhere near good enough to get a gift-wrapped Carla under the tree!


Anonymous said...

Bonjour! I hope the family are fully recovered? And that you all have a lovely twinkly Christmas. Thank you for your entertaining posts over the last year, I look forward to joining you, at a distance, in 2010. xxx

Virginia said...

I LOVE THIS BLOG. You are just the most fun ever. I'm laughing so hard at this great post. Oh I'd love to meet you on my visit in janvier!!!!

Kelli said...

Merry Christmas La Mom!!
I hope you and your family are enjoying this wonderful holiday season.


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