Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Flipping the Bird

Some of you may have noticed that La Mom is a little scatological these days. Chalk up my obsession with merde to a combination of potty training and the ungodly amount of dog doo in my neighborhood. The weak Parisian March sun is out and so, apparently, are the très chic French bulldogs.

I’d finally given a big Gallic shrug to the poop situation and decided to make my peace with it.

That is, until I got attacked from above.

In my own home.

That’s right, La Mom fell victim to a Flying Crap Attack!

Mais oui, if it isn’t enough to do a drunken tiptoe ballet to avoid the crottes every time I set foot on the sidewalk, now I have to duck for cover. Springtime in Paris also brings out the birds. Lots of them. And it seems like they’re on a mission to decorate every car in sight.

But now they’ve gone too far.

Today I had my bedroom windows flung open to circulate a bit of fresh air. As I came back in a few minutes later, I heard a rustling noise in the corner next to my armoire. A sparrow! You know, one of those cute little brown birds you find all over the city.

Bonjour, you poor little birdie,” I crooned, planning on shooing it out the window. He cocked his tiny head, blinked his beady eyes, and swooped into dive-bomb mode. Wait, make that dookie-bomb.

My little feathered friend had chosen my Porthault bedspread as a target. It’s hard to say who was flapping more furiously around the room – me or the bird. To add insult to injury, he crapped all over my sky-blue Gerard Darel suede jacket on his way to join his pigeon buddies gorging on tourists’ baguettes at the Tuileries.

Merde, alors.
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13 comments:

vicki archer said...

Who ever said birds were sweet! xv

The Antiques Diva™ said...

Porthault bedspread? Sky-blue Gerard Darel suede jacket?

In the words of Ellie May Clampett "Them's fighting words!"

I just read a hilarious blog by the way from a friend at French Fatum about finding a dead BAT in her jogging bra which was packed away in the armoire. I'm presently looking to buy an armoire... but with these stories, I wonder if this is such a good idea!

Suburbia Steph said...

I am always a target for birds! Didn't you read my post awhile back about that? I've been attacked too many times to count.

Dirty birds!

Under the Influence said...

Time to buy a gun! Or maybe get a scarecrow.

Pure Poser said...

EW! I remember when a bird crapped on my arm. I swore so loud that the woman 2 doors down heard me. Bad times :/

Scandalous Housewife said...

Oh shit no! Ooops, pardon the pun...

Ali said...

Merde alors indeed! Wait, let me look that up...

Stacey Crew said...

Between dog poop and bird poop, it's just a crappy way to co-exist with animals and wildlife! May I suggest boots and an umbrella at all times.

Kelli said...

Mais Merde!!!
I am so sorry to hear this! If you were in the US, you could have shot it! :)

Jennifer said...

Well, if there is a bright side (though, how, when you have to get the dooks out of your suede jacket), at least it didn't dookie-bomb your hair...?

Fiona said...

omg as always, i am in stitches. I say get back at the bird.....

a H.I.T. said...

We have a birdman in NYC. He rides the subways and everytime the doors open, he calls out to the birds. As I walked out at my stop, he followed me. Calling the birds the whole time. The minute I stepped into the sun, POOP ATTACK, by two different birds. Coincidence? I think not.

I sympathize La Mom. That stinks. Literally.

Deborah Peterson Milne said...

This is for you!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FNV2mFd5Fug

I love your sense of humor. You painted the perfect scenario for a laugh.

 

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