Monday, December 8, 2008

Jolly Old St. Nicolas Sarkozy

Christmas came early to La Mom’s house this year. We’ve been reading a frayed copy of ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas since sometime in July and I’ve been fielding Big Fry’s questions about Santa Claus ever since.

The other day, though, he floored me:

Big Fry: “Mommy, I want St. Nicolas Sarkozy to bring me a jump rope for Christmas.”

La Mom: Saint who?

Big Fry: St. Nicolas Sarkozy – like in the Christmas book!

Luckily, St. Sarko generously subsidized my pelvic floor physical therapy sessions after the French Fries were born, or I would have wet myself laughing.

But this got me thinking: what would my Christmas letter to St. Sarko look like?

Dear St. Nicolas Sarkozy,

I’ve been a very good girl this year. I paid all of my taxes on time and I even learned three new irregular verbs! Here’s what I’d like for Noël:

A raise.

Yeah, yeah, I know I already get 650 € ($ 825) per month for staying home with 2 kids. But if I were paying a nanny, she’d be getting a whopping 1200 € ($ 1525) per month in take-home pay! The way I see it, the government owes me an extra 550 € every 30 days (not to mention back-pay). As much as I love my French Fries, trust me, staying home with young kids is definitely a full-time job.

Bigger parking spaces.

You know what sucks? Having to back all the way out of a sardine-sized parking space just to be able to squeeze your kid into his car seat. People start honking and making rude gestures, then you’re forced to bust out the emergency French cuss words that you don’t want your kids repeating…not a pretty picture.

Stroller-friendly Métro stations.

Actually, I’d drive a lot less if I could just get a stroller through the stupid Métro turnstiles. Or get someone to help me carry a MacLaren down the stairs without resorting to begging or bribery. (How much you wanna bet that Frenchmen would respond to flashing? But I’m not that desperate – yet.)

Sunday store openings.

It’s nice that Sunday is still a day of rest in France. But La Mom never stops going! There’s no way I can get things crossed off my to-do list in six days and pretty much everything is closed on Sunday. Or, if by some miracle a store is open on Sunday morning, it’ll definitely be closed on Monday and Tuesday to make up for it. How about you boost the economy by letting me squeeze some grocery shopping in at the end of the weekend? It’s a win-win situation!

A private serenade by Carla Bruni.

How did you guess this one came from Big Cheese? Actually, his word-for-word request also mentioned a certain high-end brand of lingerie. Anyway, don’t bother with this one – I guarantee that Big Cheese was nowhere near good enough to get a gift-wrapped Carla under the tree! registered & protected


Anonymous said...

As a fellow expat mom I think you've left a couple of things off the list:

1/ Cleaner streets (how could you have forgotten this one La Mom?)
2/ Better custmer service

KimandCo said...

I still am in awe of the pelvic floor physical therapy! Sign me up. I'll get my plane ticket today.

Scandalous Housewife said...

I'd like St. Nick's courtesan-turned-1st Lady's wardrobe & purse allowance, Mama, Yeow!

Evolving Mommy Catherine said...

I do all my grocery shopping every week on Sundays I would loose my mind if stores weren't open.

Ali said...

I will gladly give up dr. pepper in order to be paid as a SAHM! The U.S. needs to do this!

Kristy said...

that was great!

I would have wet myself laughing too if it wasn't for all those damn kegels I've been doing since giving birth...those babies really do a job to our pelvic floor muscles don't they?

Anonymous said...

I'd like the pelvic floor therapy AND getting paid by the govt. to be at home with kids!!

MoNiQuE said...

I Love Paris!!! Hope to visit it someday...
Greetings from the Philippines!!!

Dana said...

You get paid for staying home with the little ones? I'm definitely moving to Paris! Maybe together we can make them open the stores on Sundays!

Doré said...

Paid to stay home?!?! Count me in! What is wrong with America?

I don't think I could deal with stores being closed on Sundays. Are they at least open around Christmas for holiday shopping?

Jennifer said...

You know, I think I could live with stores being closed on Sundays. I'd like a day when I don't do anything, even running to the store to buy milk.

Anne said...

Great have to remember to write these things down because even when they're hilarious, you will forget them as your fries grow.


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