VIP (Very Interesting Parisian) Profile : Olivier Giraud

Parisian arrogance

Do you love Paris, but think Parisians are rude?
Putain, merde, fait chier...
You're right, they are!

Are you too nice and want to learn how to become arrogant, just like the French?
C'est pas vrai, c'est pas possible, c'est pas bon...



Want to learn how to act like a Parisian while shopping, in a restaurant, taxi, metro, night club, and even between the sheets -with vocabulary and facial expressions included? Oh là là!

Then run, don't walk, to the funniest one-man show in Paris: HOW TO BECOME PARISIAN IN ONE HOUR, where you, too, can learn how to become a rude Parisian!


Olivier Giraud is the witty Parisien behind this show full of 100% French humor, but 100% in English.

La Mom and Big Cheese attended Olivier's spectacle recently and didn't stop laughing from start to finish. Neither did the +200 seat theatre filled with a large number of English-speaking tourists and Parisian locals. The jokes and body language were spot-on.  Olivier even shared his struggle to bring the show to life. In typical fashion, Parisians were down on his idea and nobody wanted to rent theatre space to him, "Who wants to hear a Frenchman making jokes about Parisians in English?" Well, apparently people do and Olivier is having the last laugh. His shows are packed every week, he's moving to a larger theatre, and he's taking his show on the road to the USA in 2012!

Let's get to know this Very Interesting Parisian un peu mieux:


How do you become Parisian? In 5 words or less:  ARROGANT, IMPATIENT, RUDE

Favorite Parisian VIP (besides you, of course)? JEAN DUJARDIN

Favorite Parisian hangout? HAVING A DRINK ON A TERRASSE WITH FRIENDS

Favorite Parisian neighborhood? SAINT GERMAIN

Favorite Parisian park: LES BUTTES CHAUMONT

Favorite Parisian museum? LE LOUVRE

Favorite Parisian restaurant? RESTAURANT MARKET

French toast or pancakes? PANCAKES

French fries or potato squares? POTATO SQUARES

Favorite French meal: FOIE GRAS POELE

Perfect French aperitif: GLASS OF CHAMPAGNE (BRUT OR ROSE)

Ladurée or Pierre Hermé? LADUREE

Espresso, cafe au lait, or cafe américain? CAFÉ AMERICAIN

Macarons or cupcakes? MACARONS

Café Costes or the bistro du coin? BISTROT DU COIN

Favorite French writers/singer/actor? MARION COTILLARD / M / YODELICE

Most beautiful French woman? SOPHIE MARCEAU

Amélie Poulain or Carrie Bradshaw? AMELIE POULAIN

Favorite part of France? CORSICA

Favorite French language expression? C'EST PAS DE MA FAUTE


http://www.oliviergiraud.com/              Reserve tickets here.

AFP: Heard the one about the French stand-up?

Slang Word Time Warp

photo: Self Service UK

La Mom's noticed lately that a lot of her expat friends seem to be in a slang word time warp. They use slang words or phrases that makes one take note,  "WHAT did San Diego Mom just say?"


This slang word time warp thing got La Mom thinking -  do slang words learned before moving abroad stay through the years in one's expat life? Does slang stand still over time?


Je pense que oui. It seems to be the case in La Mom's entourage. Here's what I've overheard:


At the expat get-together:
Kansas Mom: Dude, Montana Mom has a groovy poncho.
La Mom: I love it. It looks like it's Missoni.
Kansas Mom: Oh là, I dig it even more knowing it's a Missoni.
Kansas Mom is clearly stuck in a 1970s slang word time warp and probably moved to Paris circa 1975.



Also at the expat get-together:
Texas Mom: Mmm, Quebec Mom made paté for us. I can't wait to eat some.
California Mom: Gag me with a spoon. I hate paté.
Texas Mom: Do you like foie gras?
California Mom: No way, José. Barf me back to the stone age.
Texas Mom to La Mom: Did she really just say, "Barf me back to the Stone Age?"
La Mom: Are you from Southern California? How long have you been in France?
California Mom: How'd you know? Too long.
California Mom = stuck in a 1980s slang word time warp.


At a play date:
Kentucky Mom: I love living in France. I got a subscription filled for my sinus infection and paid nothing for my medication.
Florida Mom: French health care is rad.
La Mom: Did you just say 'rad'?
Kentucky Mom: You did. That's almost as bad as saying 'hella cool'.
Florida Mom = stuck in a 1990s slang word time warp.

At supper club:
La Mom: So do you think it's true Gad Elmaleh is dating Princess Caroline's daughter?
NY Mom: If Paris Match and Point de Vue say it's true, then it must be.
Georgia Mom: Gad is so fine. His eyes are the bomb.

Georgia Mom = stuck in a 1990s slang word time warp.

Jogging at the park:
Texas Mom: I'm so tore up from my trip to London. 
La Mom: Then jogging will be good to clear the cobwebs. How was the fashion show?
Texas Mom: Lots of bling bling in the collection.
Texas Mom = stuck in a 2000s slang word time warp.

La Mom's concluded that in order to avoid embarrassing slang word time warps that identify one's age and expat lifetime, it's best to speak in plain old English. No slang, mes amies.

For example:

"That poncho is very nice."
"I don't like foie gras and I think paté is truly disgusting"
"The French health care system is excellent."
"Gad Elmaleh is a very handsome man. He has beautiful eyes."
"I'm so tired and the collection was flashy."


Are you stuck in slang word time warp? La Mom would love to hear from you!


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Valentine's Day is soon. Are you ready to get Sugar Dazed?

The Sugar Daze Valentine gift box is back -- and it's bigger and better than ever! (Tempt your chances and win a gift box.  Leave  a comment on Sugar Daze's Facebook page with the cupcake in the assortment you can't wait to sink your teeth into!  2 winners will be chosen at random on Sunday, 12 Februray)

 The 6 cupcake box (24 euros) includes:

- La Vie en Rose ( a pistachio cupcake with rose buttercream)

- Kiss Kiss Bang Bang (the classic Red Velvet with vanilla bean frosting)

- Lovefool (strawberry and champagne cupcake and buttercream)

- Go All the Way (raspberry swirled cupcake with chocolate buttecream)

- Vanilla Lovers (the name says it all!)

- Mademoiselle Orangette (an orange cupcake with chocolate ganache frosting)

As always, your cupcakes will be dressed in assorted hand-made decorations for Valentine's Day! Available for pick-up only,  in the 17th (Courcelles/Wagram) on the 13th or 14th Februray at the following times:

Monday, 13 februray : 13H30 - 16H or 17H-19H

Tuesday, 14 february: 13H30 - 16H or 18H - 20H

Sugar Daze can only make 50 gift boxes this year so hurry up and reserve yours - orders will be taken on a first come first serve basis!

To pre-order, please send an email to:

 info@sugardazecupcakes.com noting the number of boxes you would like to order AND the date/time desired for your pick-up.

Merci!

Woteva, Woteverrr, Whatever

W is for Woteva

Big Cheese and the French Fries learned a new word while on holiday recently: woteva.

<-----  They also learned the hand gesture that accompanies this word.

"Woteva" was the word du jour and quite overused during our winter vacation in the sun.


For example...

Big Cheese: Chérie, did you know the French won the men's swimming championship last summer?

La Mom: The French finally won a medal in a manly sport.

Big Cheese: What do you mean? We win the handball championships every year.

La Mom: Wot-ev-a. American girls fantasize about dating basketball stars and English girls fantasize about dating soccer stars. Have you met one French girl who fantasizes about dating a handball player?

Big Cheese: Wot-ev-errrr
(Sidebar: How cute! Big Cheese changed "Woteva" to "Wot-ev-errr" and rolled his "r" like only the French can do.)

*********

La Mom: We're off to the pool, French Fries.

Big Fry: Hey look, there's a crocodile floating in the pool.

Small Fry: C'est bizarre, I thought all of the crocodiles were at Vuitton?

(La Mom & Big Cheese laugh)

Big Fry: Wot-ev-a.

*********

So I guess it was no surprise when Small Fry's French maitresse pulled La Mom aside one week into the new year for a très serious discussion.

Maîtresse: Small Fry is having problems following directions. I told the class it was time to put their paint supplies away and she wouldn't do it. Then she wouldn't sit down to sing. She keeps repeating "wooduhvah". Could this be a word en anglais?

La Mom: Baaa, baaa, non. It doesn't sound like it. I'm not sure what she's saying.

Maîtresse: But there's something more important you need to know. Small Fry is, comment dire, she's having great difficulty holding her pencil properly since school started last week.

La Mom: She seems to be holding it right when she colors at home.

Maîtresse: Non, if she doesn't start holding her pencil properly again, she'll be foutu forever.

(Sidebar: Why are the French so concerned that holding a pencil incorrectly will mess up one's life for-ev-a? I've heard this pencil holding crotte before with Big Fry. Is it really that serious?)

La Mom: Baaa, you mean, she may not advance to kindergarten or university one day because she never learned how to hold her pencil properly?

Maîtresse: Oui, c'est un peu comme ça. I wouldn't say it exactly that way, but she must learn how to hold her pencil correctly maintenant. Her academic future is at stake.

La Mom: Wot-ev-a.

France's Presidential Candidates Wish You a Rockin' 2012!

If France's presidential election could be decided by who rocks the dance floor the best, who would win: Nicolas Sarkozy or François Hollande?

Leave a comment with your vote.

La Mom votes for Daddy Sarkozy - he knows how to bust a move.

Bonne année !

A Christmas Story

The Plot
What to give Big Fry's teacher for Christmas?

The Players
La Mom, New Jersey Mom, La Maîtresse


The Email
Dear Parents:

Madame Blanc (Julie's mother), has kindly offered to extend her employee discount at Chanel towards the purchase of a Christmas gift for our children's teacher, La Maîtresse. If you would like to donate for a watch, an envelope is available with the school secretary until December 19th. The children will present the gift to her at the class Christmas party on December 20th.

Merci à tous,
Toronto Mom & New Jersey Mom
Homeroom mothers

(Sidebar:
Thought #1: Back in my primary school days, we gave teachers candles, chocolates, or home-made gifts for Christmas, not luxury watches.
Thought #2:  Zut, I had planned on giving La Maîtresse an 8€ tea box.
Thought #3: If La Maîtresse gets a luxe watch for Christmas, what will the homeroom moms want to give her at the end of the school year? )

The tea box

The Courtyard Scene
It's the day before the class Christmas party. New Jersey Mom is chatting with La Mom at the school gates when La Maîtresse interrupts us.

La Maîtresse: Bonjour Madame New Jersey. Are you, by chance, coordinating a group collection for my Christmas gift?

NJ Mom: Why yes, it's taken care of.

La Maîtresse: You mean you bought the gift?

NJ Mom: We've identified the gift. One of the parents is using her employee discount to buy your present.

La Maîtresse: Ah, bon.

NJ Mom: Is something wrong? The gift is from Chanel, so there's nothing to worry about. If you must know, it's a watch.

La Maîtresse: Oh, I have several watches and certainly don't need another one! I was hoping for a Longchamp leather bag.

NJ Mom:  Baaa, baaa, baaa.

(Sidebar: New Jersey Mom could not stop baaing like a French sheep she was so taken aback.)


The Christmas Party Scene:
There was no scene.

New Jersey Mom was a no-show because she was so annoyed with La Maîtresse that she decided to boycott the party.

The kids gave La Maîtresse her Chanel watch.

Big Fry gave La Maîtresse the tea box. La Mom wasn't touching this Christmas story with a ten foot pole.
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Joyeuses Fêtes, dear readers. Thank you for your comments, emails, and support in 2011. A bientôt en 2012!

WTF

Sing it with me - 

On the fifth day of Christmas, Amazon France gave to me,

Beaucoup de soucis.

Two orders placed with two different Amazons (France & US), two problems encountered, two very different customer service experiences...

Amazon US customer service exchange:

La Mom : Hi, I’m calling from France because I just realized I sent a package to an incorrect address in Florida. It’s order #123456789.

Amazon US : No problem ! I can help you with that ! Yep, I see here the order came back full circle and is at our warehouse. I can send out a new one today, if you have the new address.

La Mom : Great. The address is blah blah blah blah.

Amazon US : Can I help you with anything else ?

La Mom : No, thank you so much.

Amazon France customer service exchange:

La Mom : Bonjour, a package I ordered has not shown up at it's delivery address. It was sent to my in-law’s home in Aix-en-Provence. Order numéro 123456789.

Amazon France : Are you sure you gave us the right address ? It’s 211 Rue Le Bon ?

La Mom : Oui.  

Amazon FR : You’re sure that’s the right address ?

La Mom : Yes. Your site says the package was delivered December 3rd, today is the 10th, and there’s still no package at my in-law’s house.

Amazon FR : Baaa, baaa, have your in-laws checked with the neighbors to see if the package was delivered to them by accident ?

La Mom : No.

Amazon FR : They need to check with their neighbors.

La Mom : Pardonnez-moi? Amazon can’t locate a package full of Christmas presents for my kids, so it’s up to my in-laws to go ask their neighbors if they’ve received it ?

Amazon FR : Oui.

(La Mom visualizes the scene)

La Mom :  Are you kidding ? My in-laws are old and one walks with a cane. There’s no way I’m going to tell two 80 year olds they have to check with their neighbors for a box full of presents. They don’t even know all of their neighbors. Franchement. 

Amazon FR : The package was delivered. It’s up to them to find it.

La Mom : Do you have someone’s signature indicating the package was received ? Because if you don’t, then it wasn’t. It’s your job to find it.

Amazon FR : Non, pas de signature, but the shipping records indicate the package was delivered.

La Mom : It wasn’t, so you need to ship a new one asap. Please.

Amazon FR : Désolée, c’est impossible.

(Sidebar : Whoa, wait. Wasn’t it France's great emperor Napoléan who coined the proverb, 

« Impossible n’est pas français » ? Yeah, right.)

La Mom : I’m a premium customer, doesn’t that count for anything ? Laissez-moi parler avec votre manager, s'il vous plaît.

Amazon FR : Un moment.

*click*

And the line was disconnected.

As one of my favorite ex-pat bloggers, David Lebovitz says, WTF.

WTF = Welcome To France

Ho Ho No

Charlie Brown Christmas tree

So La Mom finally did it. After exactly 10 Noëls together, I convinced Big Cheese to buy a ridiculously expensive faux Christmas tree.

Pourquoi, you may ask? 

Well, Parisian Christmas trees are puny. I mean, really underdeveloped. But like a lot of things in this city, vastly overpriced. Somehow I just wanted a big, perfectly symmetrical tree that wouldn’t sag when Big Fry put the gold glass Galeries Lafayette pointy topper that all French trees seem to have on it.

Seems like a lot of other Americans are thinking like La Mom.

The Scene: Expensive Parisian garden store

The Players: La Mom, Big Cheese, and Random American Guy

The Convo:

Random American Guy: Hey, are you guys American?

(Big Cheese shoots a withering glance at La Mom)

La Mom: Yeah…

RAG: Great! Is this the best place to buy a tree? I mean, these things are pretty small. My wife loves Christmas and she would kill me if I bring home a Charlie Brown tree. 

(Addressing Big Cheese) You know Charlie Brown?

(The withering glances are flying all over the place, but this doesn’t stop RAG)

La Mom: Well, you might want to wait until a few weekends from now when there will be a better selection. Or go faux. (Gesturing to boxed Tree of Perfection)

I will not bore you, dear readers, with the rest of the conversation. RAG clearly needed to talk. Here’s a synopsis:

• He’s a trailing spouse (“Yeah, I’m doin’ the Mr. La Mom thing…”)
• They exchanged a 1300 square foot apartment in the 16^th for four-bedroom 2000 square foot digs in the 17^th for his one-kid family “because they were used to space” (insert withering glance here)
• He and his wife had timeshares at Disneyland Paris “because they blow real snow on Main Street every day in December!” (Big Cheese’s glances were not shutting RAG up so he abandoned me to inspect the orchid display)
• Barrage of questions: Where did I get Thanksgiving turkeys? Did you know you could get Netflix over here? Where did I get eggnog?

Hold on. 

La Mom broke out of the nod-and-smile routine for a millisecond.

La Mom: Why don’t you go on epicurious.com for an eggnog recipe? I make most of my American stuff from scratch. It’s really easy.

RAG: But it wouldn’t be the same.

And then I got it. Random American Guy would rather drink a merdique pasteurized eggnog straight out of the carton. Because otherwise, it wouldn’t be the same.

Huh. Looking at the boxed Tree of Perfection, I thought RAG might have a point.

A Charlie Brown tree delivery at the flower market

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